This terrible noise

I don't know how to make it stop. The fears, the what-ifs, the horrible images, the potential grief. I worry about her constantly. I know all parents worry about their children, it's natural. So am I normal? Is it normal to be so paranoid that you can't sleep, can't sit through a meal, can't go on a date night? It's all I can do to literally force myself out the door for work three days a week. But I do. I go. So I figure that's me being a success, being normal - at least for a few hours three days a week.

What sucks is that I drive so much for my job and that gives me waaaaay too much time to think. To worry and imagine the unfathomable. I imagine the worst phone call, the panic, the pain, the void. Why do I do this to myself?? I know that she is in good hands when I'm gone, it's not that I don't trust others to care for her. I mean, I worry and stress when I'm one room away myself. I just cannot turn off this damn noise in my head! I'm so scared and pissed at myself - I feel like I'm missing out on some of the joy and I hate that. As someone else once put it (she was going through something similar) - it's as if I am grieving for my child as she lies healthy, happy, and alive in my arms.

She is so beautiful and so cute and funny and sweet, and she's changing and growing every minute. I love her more than I could ever express, more than anything. I want to just bask in the amazingness that is her without the ominous ever-present cloud over me.

I guess I hoped having this blog would help me to get some of this poison out of my head, and maybe also allow me to step back and gain some perspective. I really hope it works. I've never been the kind of person who thought "oh that could never happen to me." No, I know that terrible things DO happen to normal, happy people all the time. I guess I'm the other extreme - always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I'd rather be the happy-go-lucky, optimistic one. Or head in the sand, blissfully ignorant, and all that. (Can I think of any more cliches?) That would be awesome.

Ok well, I'm siting on my bed in the dark typing on my iPhone and periodically leaning over to watch my baby's chest rise and fall as she sleeps in her bassinet blissfully unaware of her nutty mom's neuroses. It's time for me to put on my big girl panties and go downstairs. I'm aiming for normalcy. I swear, I'm trying.

I love you sweet baby. xoxo