So there are a thousand other things that I should be doing, but I really just feel like writing to you, my sweet baby. You are upstairs sleeping in your crib, and daddy's sleeping in the recliner in there too. We have your music playing in the nursery- lullaby renditions of current pop music - and I am listening to it right along with you on the monitor downstairs. You have been a back sleeper since your were born; mommy and daddy made sure of that since we were/are so scared of SIDS. However, the last couple of nights we've noticed you've been rolling to your side in your sleep. Guess you'll be a side sleeper like me. :) As soon as we realized this, I took out your pretty crib bumpers that Shannon gave us and put in the plain old white mesh ones. Safety first! You look so cute sleeping on your side, like you're changing from a little baby to a little person. These observations may sound silly, but as you've probably figured out by now, pretty much everything you do fascinates us....so get used to it. :)
I am ashamed to admit that I finally finished my baby shower thank you notes the other day. The shower was back in August! All of my friends and family were so generous and thoughtful, and here I had only sent out about half the notes. I felt so bad, and they had been weighing on my mind for months now, so I just gave you to daddy to watch for a few hours and I got them DONE. I feel a lot better now. I hope that I can teach good manners and etiquette to you like it was taught to me. Mimi always made sure I wrote thank you notes for gifts and stuff when I was a kid, and I'm glad she did. Good manners will take you far in life - you might be surprised at how much just the smallest kindnesses and considerations mean to other people.
I want you to go far in life, to be a social, likable person. I already know that you will, because you already are! You smile so easily and at everyone! I was just watching this movie called "Easy A" with Emma Stone in it - it's a strange, silly little movie - and her character is so funny and smart and quirky. She kind of resembles the way I imagine you might be one day. Me and daddy love to imagine your life and your personality, what your voice will sound like, what you'll end up looking like once you have hair. Haha! I love your sweet little peach fuzz though...! I just know you will be the kind of girl that everyone will want to be around. I bet you'll have as many friends as you want, and that you'll sincerely and deeply care about them. I predict that you'll be a generous person - the kind that will do anything for the ones you love. And maybe I'm a little bit biased because I love you so much, but I just feel it in my soul when I look at you, into your eyes, that you are a beautiful human being on the inside as well as out.
This is probably turning out to be a weird post. I didn't really have a direction when I started typing, I just wanted to talk to you, and the future you. Sometimes it's all I can do not to go and scoop you up out of that crib and either just cuddle with you or wake you up to play. :) You are a very addictive creature, my little Juliette Rain.
Speaking of rain, it has rained a LOT today. I love love love days like these. You took a nap today in my arms while I lay in the recliner in your room - the windows open, cool wind flowing in, listening to the walls of rain hit the buildings and street in waves. It felt like heaven to me. Rainstorms put me into a kind of mood that is hard explain. Nostalgic, peaceful, safe, relaxed, happy - I believe it all stems from my own memories of being rocked in my mother's arms on our screened-in porch with the rain pounding outside on the leaves, on the tin roof. In those early memories I am safe, warm, and loved, and I have formed an extremely sound bond between that feeling and rainy weather. This is why your middle name is Rain. Rain reminds me of a time when life was easy and pure, when I had absolutely nothing to worry about, when my parents were my great protectors and sheltered me from the world, when all I knew of life were the beautiful, happy parts. Now I want to give all that to you, my baby, for as long as I can. You will always have my unconditional love, and daddy's too, no matter what. That you can count on, I promise.
I think I'd better head on to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow - computer stuff for work, cleaning, playing with and loving on you (the most important!). Plus we are going to go shopping with Auntie Beth and Mimi! And if the weather cooperates, we might go swimming with Aiden and his mommy Chandra! Sleep tight sweetheart, and I'll see you in the morning.
xoxo,
Mommy
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
6 months old!
Happy half birthday, my sweet Juliette! It's after midnight, so technically it was yesterday, but mommy's a night owl and her day rarely ends before 1:00 am. So technicalities aside, happy 6 months!
You are such a big girl now, I really just can't believe it. You have changed so much since the first day we met you. Although you were a "big" baby, you were so very tiny in my arms. You could curl up with your little legs pulled up under you and fit perfectly on my chest. In the beginning, that was the only place you would sleep - on mine or daddy's chest. Those were some of my favorite early moments with you...
Now, you are still a little baby, but so much bigger! You've pretty much grown out of your bassinet (I think you actually grew out of it a long time ago, but mommy was in denial about it because she wanted you to stay in it and keep sleeping right next to her). I've had to pack away your newborn clothes, then your 0-3 month, and now you're too big for almost all of your 3-6 month stuff...sigh. But don't worry, we have TONS of super cute stuff for you in bigger sizes! :)
I wanted to make a list of all the things you can do. I'm sure I will forget some, so I may have to come back and edit this post to add them. Here goes...
You can smile (gorgeous!)
You can laugh (musical!)
You like being tickled (especially by daddy)
You can babble, mainly "ma ma ma ma" (score!)
You can blow rasperries
You can lay on your tummy and hold your head and chest up
You reach for things and put EVERYthing into your mouth
You can hold toys, and switch them back and forth between hands
You can roll from tummy to back
You can sit unsupported for a couple seconds (you are still wobbly)
You can sit with your hands on the ground in front of you for a long time
You can hold your own bottle
You can take your pacifier out and put it back in
You know the difference between bottle and pacifier just by looking at them
You can squeal and squeak (I have the cutest video of it)
You LOVE music, and like to hear Itsy Bitsy Spider, Little Teapot, Frere Jacques, and Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson (random, I know, but you love it!)
You've just started to eat oatmeal, but the verdict is still out on that one :)
You can jump like crazy in your jumparoo
You like to bang your toys/pacifier/hands on any surface you can
You have just recently become fascinated with looking at your hands and fingers
You always try to go for mommy's phone and the remote control
You love bearing weight on your legs, and you love kicking!
You finally like baths and splash mommy and daddy soaking wet!
Your eyes are still blue (like daddy's)
Your smile and laugh can cheer us up and fill us with overwhelming love for you in an instant.
You bring nothing but pure joy to all of us who love you!
Happy half birthday, my love.
xoxo,
Mommy
You are such a big girl now, I really just can't believe it. You have changed so much since the first day we met you. Although you were a "big" baby, you were so very tiny in my arms. You could curl up with your little legs pulled up under you and fit perfectly on my chest. In the beginning, that was the only place you would sleep - on mine or daddy's chest. Those were some of my favorite early moments with you...
Now, you are still a little baby, but so much bigger! You've pretty much grown out of your bassinet (I think you actually grew out of it a long time ago, but mommy was in denial about it because she wanted you to stay in it and keep sleeping right next to her). I've had to pack away your newborn clothes, then your 0-3 month, and now you're too big for almost all of your 3-6 month stuff...sigh. But don't worry, we have TONS of super cute stuff for you in bigger sizes! :)
I wanted to make a list of all the things you can do. I'm sure I will forget some, so I may have to come back and edit this post to add them. Here goes...
You can smile (gorgeous!)
You can laugh (musical!)
You like being tickled (especially by daddy)
You can babble, mainly "ma ma ma ma" (score!)
You can blow rasperries
You can lay on your tummy and hold your head and chest up
You reach for things and put EVERYthing into your mouth
You can hold toys, and switch them back and forth between hands
You can roll from tummy to back
You can sit unsupported for a couple seconds (you are still wobbly)
You can sit with your hands on the ground in front of you for a long time
You can hold your own bottle
You can take your pacifier out and put it back in
You know the difference between bottle and pacifier just by looking at them
You can squeal and squeak (I have the cutest video of it)
You LOVE music, and like to hear Itsy Bitsy Spider, Little Teapot, Frere Jacques, and Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson (random, I know, but you love it!)
You've just started to eat oatmeal, but the verdict is still out on that one :)
You can jump like crazy in your jumparoo
You like to bang your toys/pacifier/hands on any surface you can
You have just recently become fascinated with looking at your hands and fingers
You always try to go for mommy's phone and the remote control
You love bearing weight on your legs, and you love kicking!
You finally like baths and splash mommy and daddy soaking wet!
Your eyes are still blue (like daddy's)
Your smile and laugh can cheer us up and fill us with overwhelming love for you in an instant.
You bring nothing but pure joy to all of us who love you!
Happy half birthday, my love.
xoxo,
Mommy
Monday, May 9, 2011
Three Days of Firsts
My sweet girl, how time gets away from me! I want to journal on a really regular basis, to chronicle your growth, your life, and my thoughts on all that is you. Yet here I am, over 2 weeks since my last post. Life gets busy when you're old. How I miss those days of childhood when every day, every week seemed like an eternity...I know you'll wish to grow up fast, but trust me when I say it will be too fast.
So anyway, three days of firsts --
Saturday, May 7th: Your first trip to the beach! You, me, and Daddy went to St. Augustine for a day and a night. Your Aunt Beth and her friend Kim were there too. We had fun even though you were tired and cranky for most of the day. You stayed awake the whole way there and never really got even one nap that day (you do best when you take 2!), so by the time we got your bathing suit on (I love that suit! It was $20 from Baby Gap, but too cute and so worth it!), got our suits on, got everyone lathered up with sunscreen (you, my love, have inherited mommy and daddy's ghostly skin), got all the "stuff" loaded up, walked down to the beach and set everything up, you were pretty much over it and ready for a nap.
We were bad parents and kept you up to show you the ocean, but all you really wanted to look at was our shadows on the ground. Then you sat on my lap in a slue for a while and splashed a little. Daddy stood you up where the ocean meets the shore and let the waves wash over your tiny little feet. Your feet sank in to the sand and you just stared and stared. I love to imagine how many, many more times you'll get to enjoy the beauty of the beach in your lifetime. You are a Florida girl from a long line of beach lovers - especially your Mimi! - so I suspect you will one day love it too. After a couple minutes of the waves, we went back to our little tent where you promptly fell asleep. While you slept, I went and carved your name into the sand and took a picture of it. It came out good, and Aunt Beth suggested that I frame it, so I will.
After you woke up, we went up to the pool where you perked up a bit. In your excitement you got a mouth full of chlorine water which you DEFINITELY did not like! But then Daddy cheered you up by swimming under the water and popping up right in front of you - you laughed so hard every time! We had a fun time and I can't wait to go again. Bonus? No one got a sunburn!! :)
Sunday, May 8th: my first Mother's Day! The whole family made this day so special, especially you. I spent a lot of time just holding and hugging you, feeling so blessed to have you in my arms, safe and healthy and beautiful and happy. Last year, you were with me, but in such a different way. You were still growing in my belly and I didn't even know that you were a girl yet!
I had been a little stressed out from the weekend away - you and I didn't sleep too well at the hotel, and things were rushed once we got back home. However, once we got to dinner with the family, I was able to relax and just enjoy the day. Daddy, Mimi, Grandad, Aunt Beth, and Uncle JJ all pitched in and bought me a lovely rocking chair. It is a lot like Mimi's, which she bought when I was a baby. She rocks YOU in it now, so it's been around a loooooong time! Haha!
Daddy also bought me a spa package to go get some massages and relax, he's a very wonderful husband, and knows just exactly what mommy needs! Aunt Beth and Grandma gave me some cute picture frames already filled with precious photos of - guess who? :) It was a memorable day, and I look forward to many, many more.
Monday, May 9th: your first real food! Some people give their babies food earlier than 6 months, but as you will quickly find out, Mommy and Daddy are very "by the book" when it comes to that kind of stuff and we waited until Dr. Grooms gave us the green light. We bought you some baby organic oatmeal and mixed it with some formula. You were very excited to try it, and seemed to like it at first. Then you started making all kinds of hilarious faces and spitting it out in spitty bubbles! Oh yes, and we have pictures and a video! We are going to try the cereal for a few more days and then we'll move you on to something more exciting.....sweet potatoes!
By the time you are able to read this, you will probably find it very hard to believe that for the first 6 months of your life, you lived on milk/formula alone. It is weird to think that that's enough for you, but it has been. You are growing and changing like crazy! You had your 6 month check up on Wednesday (5/4), you weighed 15 lbs and 13 oz, were 25.5 inches long. Your head measures in the 75 percentile which is great because it means you are brilliant! :)
Tomorrow, my daughter, you will be a whole 6 months old. It baffles me how quickly this half a year has flown by. I was looking at pregnancy pictures of myself earlier today, and it feels like just yesterday that I was walking out the door to go to the hospital - scared, excited, nervous, elated, and just SO ready to meet you! And here you are, my perfect child, my heart, my reason for being. I love you Juliette!!!
Tomorrow I am going to make a blog listing out all the things you can do now.... Happy half birthday, love!
xoxo,
Mommy
So anyway, three days of firsts --
Saturday, May 7th: Your first trip to the beach! You, me, and Daddy went to St. Augustine for a day and a night. Your Aunt Beth and her friend Kim were there too. We had fun even though you were tired and cranky for most of the day. You stayed awake the whole way there and never really got even one nap that day (you do best when you take 2!), so by the time we got your bathing suit on (I love that suit! It was $20 from Baby Gap, but too cute and so worth it!), got our suits on, got everyone lathered up with sunscreen (you, my love, have inherited mommy and daddy's ghostly skin), got all the "stuff" loaded up, walked down to the beach and set everything up, you were pretty much over it and ready for a nap.
We were bad parents and kept you up to show you the ocean, but all you really wanted to look at was our shadows on the ground. Then you sat on my lap in a slue for a while and splashed a little. Daddy stood you up where the ocean meets the shore and let the waves wash over your tiny little feet. Your feet sank in to the sand and you just stared and stared. I love to imagine how many, many more times you'll get to enjoy the beauty of the beach in your lifetime. You are a Florida girl from a long line of beach lovers - especially your Mimi! - so I suspect you will one day love it too. After a couple minutes of the waves, we went back to our little tent where you promptly fell asleep. While you slept, I went and carved your name into the sand and took a picture of it. It came out good, and Aunt Beth suggested that I frame it, so I will.
After you woke up, we went up to the pool where you perked up a bit. In your excitement you got a mouth full of chlorine water which you DEFINITELY did not like! But then Daddy cheered you up by swimming under the water and popping up right in front of you - you laughed so hard every time! We had a fun time and I can't wait to go again. Bonus? No one got a sunburn!! :)
Sunday, May 8th: my first Mother's Day! The whole family made this day so special, especially you. I spent a lot of time just holding and hugging you, feeling so blessed to have you in my arms, safe and healthy and beautiful and happy. Last year, you were with me, but in such a different way. You were still growing in my belly and I didn't even know that you were a girl yet!
I had been a little stressed out from the weekend away - you and I didn't sleep too well at the hotel, and things were rushed once we got back home. However, once we got to dinner with the family, I was able to relax and just enjoy the day. Daddy, Mimi, Grandad, Aunt Beth, and Uncle JJ all pitched in and bought me a lovely rocking chair. It is a lot like Mimi's, which she bought when I was a baby. She rocks YOU in it now, so it's been around a loooooong time! Haha!
Daddy also bought me a spa package to go get some massages and relax, he's a very wonderful husband, and knows just exactly what mommy needs! Aunt Beth and Grandma gave me some cute picture frames already filled with precious photos of - guess who? :) It was a memorable day, and I look forward to many, many more.
Monday, May 9th: your first real food! Some people give their babies food earlier than 6 months, but as you will quickly find out, Mommy and Daddy are very "by the book" when it comes to that kind of stuff and we waited until Dr. Grooms gave us the green light. We bought you some baby organic oatmeal and mixed it with some formula. You were very excited to try it, and seemed to like it at first. Then you started making all kinds of hilarious faces and spitting it out in spitty bubbles! Oh yes, and we have pictures and a video! We are going to try the cereal for a few more days and then we'll move you on to something more exciting.....sweet potatoes!
By the time you are able to read this, you will probably find it very hard to believe that for the first 6 months of your life, you lived on milk/formula alone. It is weird to think that that's enough for you, but it has been. You are growing and changing like crazy! You had your 6 month check up on Wednesday (5/4), you weighed 15 lbs and 13 oz, were 25.5 inches long. Your head measures in the 75 percentile which is great because it means you are brilliant! :)
Tomorrow, my daughter, you will be a whole 6 months old. It baffles me how quickly this half a year has flown by. I was looking at pregnancy pictures of myself earlier today, and it feels like just yesterday that I was walking out the door to go to the hospital - scared, excited, nervous, elated, and just SO ready to meet you! And here you are, my perfect child, my heart, my reason for being. I love you Juliette!!!
Tomorrow I am going to make a blog listing out all the things you can do now.... Happy half birthday, love!
xoxo,
Mommy
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My man
I am thankful tonight for my husband. Well, I'm thankful all the time of course, but a song lyric caught my attention today that reminded me just how fortunate I am to have him. He was pretty much as doting as a husband could be while I was pregnant. Rubbing my feet, eating wherever I wanted, letting me go all out on the nursery (which meant he and Justin installing a chair rail, and buying a different shade of yellow paint when the first one wasn't quite right). He listened to me moan about headaches, numb hands, and bad skin. He didn't judge when I bought a Doppler and listened to the baby's heartbeat several times a day for constant reassurance that she was okay.
He and I came up with nicknames for her, speculated on her hair color and eye color, imagined what she would love (music?), be good at (soccer?), be not so good at (nothing!), who she would date (Jer didnt like that topic), what she'd choose for her life. He went to the birthing classes with me, as well as the breastfeeding class, which were always late in the evening and, for the most part, boring as hell. He felt my belly, videoed her acrobatics, went to every single OB appointment with me - he loved her as much as I did from the moment the second line appeared and i knew there was nothing he wouldn't do for me or for her.
Then when the big day finally came, he was as excited, elated, and amazed as a new daddy could be. I could see how deeply and wholly he was changed when she let out her first cry. She was ours and he was hers, no doubt about it. Although I wasn't there, the pictures of him in the nursery are of a man truly in love and proud beyond measure. The first day I really couldn't do much, so he changed the first diapers, gave the first bath, and mastered the art of the swaddle. He was a natural! I always knew he was meant to be a dad, but I had no idea how easily and effortlessly he would slide into that role.
So then once home, he continued to be there. There for Juliette and there for me. Especially me. I had a very rough first couple of weeks. Call it baby blues, call it exhaustion, call it hormones, or call it simply being overwhelmed. I was weepy, worried, stressed. I would have sobbing fits out of nowhere and he always seemed to know just what to say to comfort me. I was blissfully happy and loved our new daughter more than life - and I guess I was having difficulty processing all those huge emotions. Now that extreme roller coaster has leveled out for the most part, but I still have my freakout moments, my hard days. I worry incessantly about her, and sometimes it's more than I can take. I can get so caught up in my fears, and he has to reel me back in and untangle me from my own self destructive thoughts. He reminds me to simply love her, enjoy her, and just live in the moment - to be happy!
Jeremy understands me in a unique way. I've loved him for over 20 years and would be absolutely lost without him. Thank you, Jeremy, for taking such good care of us. Juliette and I are so lucky. <3
"I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground."
xoxo,
Jenne
He and I came up with nicknames for her, speculated on her hair color and eye color, imagined what she would love (music?), be good at (soccer?), be not so good at (nothing!), who she would date (Jer didnt like that topic), what she'd choose for her life. He went to the birthing classes with me, as well as the breastfeeding class, which were always late in the evening and, for the most part, boring as hell. He felt my belly, videoed her acrobatics, went to every single OB appointment with me - he loved her as much as I did from the moment the second line appeared and i knew there was nothing he wouldn't do for me or for her.
Then when the big day finally came, he was as excited, elated, and amazed as a new daddy could be. I could see how deeply and wholly he was changed when she let out her first cry. She was ours and he was hers, no doubt about it. Although I wasn't there, the pictures of him in the nursery are of a man truly in love and proud beyond measure. The first day I really couldn't do much, so he changed the first diapers, gave the first bath, and mastered the art of the swaddle. He was a natural! I always knew he was meant to be a dad, but I had no idea how easily and effortlessly he would slide into that role.
So then once home, he continued to be there. There for Juliette and there for me. Especially me. I had a very rough first couple of weeks. Call it baby blues, call it exhaustion, call it hormones, or call it simply being overwhelmed. I was weepy, worried, stressed. I would have sobbing fits out of nowhere and he always seemed to know just what to say to comfort me. I was blissfully happy and loved our new daughter more than life - and I guess I was having difficulty processing all those huge emotions. Now that extreme roller coaster has leveled out for the most part, but I still have my freakout moments, my hard days. I worry incessantly about her, and sometimes it's more than I can take. I can get so caught up in my fears, and he has to reel me back in and untangle me from my own self destructive thoughts. He reminds me to simply love her, enjoy her, and just live in the moment - to be happy!
Jeremy understands me in a unique way. I've loved him for over 20 years and would be absolutely lost without him. Thank you, Jeremy, for taking such good care of us. Juliette and I are so lucky. <3
"I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground."
xoxo,
Jenne
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Best Part of the Day...
On most mornings the routine is: Juliette wakes up, Jer comes and gets her to change her diaper and get her dressed while I grab another half hour or so of sleep, he brings her back to me and I cuddle and nurse her for a bit, then he takes her downstairs so I can get ready, and then one or both of us head off to work.
Weekends are so much better though! Similar sequence of events, except after I nurse her, Jer and I lay on the bed and talk to, play with, tickle, and admire our handiwork. This morning Juliette is so full of joy and energy. Every day she shows off some new skill. Yesterday it was reaching for the bottle, putting it in her mouth, and then actually tipping it up. I told Jer, "That's it, she doesn't need us anymore, we may as well send her off to college." Haha! Well, maybe we have a few more things to teach her...
Then later that evening, we went to Five Guys so Jer could grab a quick burger before he had to go in to work to deal with computer issues. While we sat in the restaurant, Juliette was all smiles and babbling. "Ba-ba, ma-ma, mba-mba" (I, of course, rejoiced at the "ma-ma"), and then she was even imitating me! It was so amazing and it made me cry and laugh all at the same time. Such a simple little outing made for an awesome experience. :) Plus we saw a guy holding the tiniest little baby girl, all curled up on his chest, and we got to talking with him for a bit. His baby was 6 weeks old and weight 8 lbs...she wasn't born early he said, he and his 5-foot wife just make small babies. She was absolutely precious and made Juliette look so BIG! It's funny how once you have a baby, you become part of this huge club. We exchange the knowing glances, the admiring smiles, and have effortless conversations with total strangers. Chatting with random people I don't know has never been my style, but I guess chalk that up to one more way in which Juliette has changed me.
Back to this morning...she was laying on the bed, feet in mouth (mostly her left foot) and trying to talk around her toes. So freakin' cute! We all gabbed back and forth in adult language and in her language, and I just felt the love radiating from all of us and warm me through and through. How on earth did I get so lucky? We tickled her fat little legs, and she laughed as I opened and closed my hand closer and closer to her face. She continued to tease daddy by saying "ma-ma-ma" - I could almost see the mischievous glint in her pretty blue eyes. And by the way, her eyes are SO blue! I am so glad! They look to me like a combination of Jer's and my dad's blue. I really wish my dad could have met her...but that's another post for another day.
Anyway, after my pitiful post from yesterday, it feels good to have the weekend ahead of me, when I can stay home with my perfect little family and just enjoy this excellent life I have.
Love,
Jenne
Weekends are so much better though! Similar sequence of events, except after I nurse her, Jer and I lay on the bed and talk to, play with, tickle, and admire our handiwork. This morning Juliette is so full of joy and energy. Every day she shows off some new skill. Yesterday it was reaching for the bottle, putting it in her mouth, and then actually tipping it up. I told Jer, "That's it, she doesn't need us anymore, we may as well send her off to college." Haha! Well, maybe we have a few more things to teach her...
Then later that evening, we went to Five Guys so Jer could grab a quick burger before he had to go in to work to deal with computer issues. While we sat in the restaurant, Juliette was all smiles and babbling. "Ba-ba, ma-ma, mba-mba" (I, of course, rejoiced at the "ma-ma"), and then she was even imitating me! It was so amazing and it made me cry and laugh all at the same time. Such a simple little outing made for an awesome experience. :) Plus we saw a guy holding the tiniest little baby girl, all curled up on his chest, and we got to talking with him for a bit. His baby was 6 weeks old and weight 8 lbs...she wasn't born early he said, he and his 5-foot wife just make small babies. She was absolutely precious and made Juliette look so BIG! It's funny how once you have a baby, you become part of this huge club. We exchange the knowing glances, the admiring smiles, and have effortless conversations with total strangers. Chatting with random people I don't know has never been my style, but I guess chalk that up to one more way in which Juliette has changed me.
Back to this morning...she was laying on the bed, feet in mouth (mostly her left foot) and trying to talk around her toes. So freakin' cute! We all gabbed back and forth in adult language and in her language, and I just felt the love radiating from all of us and warm me through and through. How on earth did I get so lucky? We tickled her fat little legs, and she laughed as I opened and closed my hand closer and closer to her face. She continued to tease daddy by saying "ma-ma-ma" - I could almost see the mischievous glint in her pretty blue eyes. And by the way, her eyes are SO blue! I am so glad! They look to me like a combination of Jer's and my dad's blue. I really wish my dad could have met her...but that's another post for another day.
Anyway, after my pitiful post from yesterday, it feels good to have the weekend ahead of me, when I can stay home with my perfect little family and just enjoy this excellent life I have.
Love,
Jenne
Friday, April 22, 2011
This terrible noise
I don't know how to make it stop. The fears, the what-ifs, the horrible images, the potential grief. I worry about her constantly. I know all parents worry about their children, it's natural. So am I normal? Is it normal to be so paranoid that you can't sleep, can't sit through a meal, can't go on a date night? It's all I can do to literally force myself out the door for work three days a week. But I do. I go. So I figure that's me being a success, being normal - at least for a few hours three days a week.
What sucks is that I drive so much for my job and that gives me waaaaay too much time to think. To worry and imagine the unfathomable. I imagine the worst phone call, the panic, the pain, the void. Why do I do this to myself?? I know that she is in good hands when I'm gone, it's not that I don't trust others to care for her. I mean, I worry and stress when I'm one room away myself. I just cannot turn off this damn noise in my head! I'm so scared and pissed at myself - I feel like I'm missing out on some of the joy and I hate that. As someone else once put it (she was going through something similar) - it's as if I am grieving for my child as she lies healthy, happy, and alive in my arms.
She is so beautiful and so cute and funny and sweet, and she's changing and growing every minute. I love her more than I could ever express, more than anything. I want to just bask in the amazingness that is her without the ominous ever-present cloud over me.
I guess I hoped having this blog would help me to get some of this poison out of my head, and maybe also allow me to step back and gain some perspective. I really hope it works. I've never been the kind of person who thought "oh that could never happen to me." No, I know that terrible things DO happen to normal, happy people all the time. I guess I'm the other extreme - always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I'd rather be the happy-go-lucky, optimistic one. Or head in the sand, blissfully ignorant, and all that. (Can I think of any more cliches?) That would be awesome.
Ok well, I'm siting on my bed in the dark typing on my iPhone and periodically leaning over to watch my baby's chest rise and fall as she sleeps in her bassinet blissfully unaware of her nutty mom's neuroses. It's time for me to put on my big girl panties and go downstairs. I'm aiming for normalcy. I swear, I'm trying.
I love you sweet baby. xoxo
What sucks is that I drive so much for my job and that gives me waaaaay too much time to think. To worry and imagine the unfathomable. I imagine the worst phone call, the panic, the pain, the void. Why do I do this to myself?? I know that she is in good hands when I'm gone, it's not that I don't trust others to care for her. I mean, I worry and stress when I'm one room away myself. I just cannot turn off this damn noise in my head! I'm so scared and pissed at myself - I feel like I'm missing out on some of the joy and I hate that. As someone else once put it (she was going through something similar) - it's as if I am grieving for my child as she lies healthy, happy, and alive in my arms.
She is so beautiful and so cute and funny and sweet, and she's changing and growing every minute. I love her more than I could ever express, more than anything. I want to just bask in the amazingness that is her without the ominous ever-present cloud over me.
I guess I hoped having this blog would help me to get some of this poison out of my head, and maybe also allow me to step back and gain some perspective. I really hope it works. I've never been the kind of person who thought "oh that could never happen to me." No, I know that terrible things DO happen to normal, happy people all the time. I guess I'm the other extreme - always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I'd rather be the happy-go-lucky, optimistic one. Or head in the sand, blissfully ignorant, and all that. (Can I think of any more cliches?) That would be awesome.
Ok well, I'm siting on my bed in the dark typing on my iPhone and periodically leaning over to watch my baby's chest rise and fall as she sleeps in her bassinet blissfully unaware of her nutty mom's neuroses. It's time for me to put on my big girl panties and go downstairs. I'm aiming for normalcy. I swear, I'm trying.
I love you sweet baby. xoxo
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Grateful...
I'm tired. Really, realllllly tired. That can be about 98% attributed to my lovely Juliette. Tonight has been rough so far and it's not even 11 yet. She's been very cranky - I think teething may be the culprit. I had to come upstairs to bed before I was quite ready. I still needed to clean the kitchen, wash bottles, and just have a few minutes to myself. However, Juliette had different ideas. She would not be consoled until laying in the bed with me. At first I was frustrated and a little annoyed. The headache I'm nursing right now wasn't helping either. But it's times like these that my mind turns to Kellie Staats.
I don't know her, and will in all likelihood never meet her, but she is on my mind A LOT. I follow her blog "Another Day Stronger" at kandjstaats.blogspot.com. She lost her daughter to SIDS when she was just over 4 months old. Kellie shares her grief and healing process on her blog - she is so strong and seems like a beautiful person. I've cried many tears for her, her husband, and her sweet Maddie. I think of her when I feel tired or overwhelmed or frustrated. I think how she would give anything for those sleepless nights, for the chance to soothe her baby again. I think of her and all my exhaustion melts away.
I am here in bed with Juliette laying right next to me, snoring softly. I'm going to put my arms back around her and press my nose to the top of her head and know that I am ever so lucky. I am not tired anymore. I am grateful.
I don't know her, and will in all likelihood never meet her, but she is on my mind A LOT. I follow her blog "Another Day Stronger" at kandjstaats.blogspot.com. She lost her daughter to SIDS when she was just over 4 months old. Kellie shares her grief and healing process on her blog - she is so strong and seems like a beautiful person. I've cried many tears for her, her husband, and her sweet Maddie. I think of her when I feel tired or overwhelmed or frustrated. I think how she would give anything for those sleepless nights, for the chance to soothe her baby again. I think of her and all my exhaustion melts away.
I am here in bed with Juliette laying right next to me, snoring softly. I'm going to put my arms back around her and press my nose to the top of her head and know that I am ever so lucky. I am not tired anymore. I am grateful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)