My man

I am thankful tonight for my husband. Well, I'm thankful all the time of course, but a song lyric caught my attention today that reminded me just how fortunate I am to have him. He was pretty much as doting as a husband could be while I was pregnant. Rubbing my feet, eating wherever I wanted, letting me go all out on the nursery (which meant he and Justin installing a chair rail, and buying a different shade of yellow paint when the first one wasn't quite right). He listened to me moan about headaches, numb hands, and bad skin. He didn't judge when I bought a Doppler and listened to the baby's heartbeat several times a day for constant reassurance that she was okay.

He and I came up with nicknames for her, speculated on her hair color and eye color, imagined what she would love (music?), be good at (soccer?), be not so good at (nothing!), who she would date (Jer didnt like that topic), what she'd choose for her life. He went to the birthing classes with me, as well as the breastfeeding class, which were always late in the evening and, for the most part, boring as hell. He felt my belly, videoed her acrobatics, went to every single OB appointment with me - he loved her as much as I did from the moment the second line appeared and i knew there was nothing he wouldn't do for me or for her.

Then when the big day finally came, he was as excited, elated, and amazed as a new daddy could be. I could see how deeply and wholly he was changed when she let out her first cry. She was ours and he was hers, no doubt about it. Although I wasn't there, the pictures of him in the nursery are of a man truly in love and proud beyond measure. The first day I really couldn't do much, so he changed the first diapers, gave the first bath, and mastered the art of the swaddle. He was a natural! I always knew he was meant to be a dad, but I had no idea how easily and effortlessly he would slide into that role.

So then once home, he continued to be there. There for Juliette and there for me. Especially me. I had a very rough first couple of weeks. Call it baby blues, call it exhaustion, call it hormones, or call it simply being overwhelmed. I was weepy, worried, stressed. I would have sobbing fits out of nowhere and he always seemed to know just what to say to comfort me. I was blissfully happy and loved our new daughter more than life - and I guess I was having difficulty processing all those huge emotions. Now that extreme roller coaster has leveled out for the most part, but I still have my freakout moments, my hard days. I worry incessantly about her, and sometimes it's more than I can take. I can get so caught up in my fears, and he has to reel me back in and untangle me from my own self destructive thoughts. He reminds me to simply love her, enjoy her, and just live in the moment - to be happy!

Jeremy understands me in a unique way. I've loved him for over 20 years and would be absolutely lost without him. Thank you, Jeremy, for taking such good care of us. Juliette and I are so lucky. <3

"I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown.

I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground."

xoxo,
Jenne

The Best Part of the Day...

On most mornings the routine is: Juliette wakes up, Jer comes and gets her to change her diaper and get her dressed while I grab another half hour or so of sleep, he brings her back to me and I cuddle and nurse her for a bit, then he takes her downstairs so I can get ready, and then one or both of us head off to work.

Weekends are so much better though! Similar sequence of events, except after I nurse her, Jer and I lay on the bed and talk to, play with, tickle, and admire our handiwork. This morning Juliette is so full of joy and energy. Every day she shows off some new skill. Yesterday it was reaching for the bottle, putting it in her mouth, and then actually tipping it up. I told Jer, "That's it, she doesn't need us anymore, we may as well send her off to college." Haha! Well, maybe we have a few more things to teach her...

Then later that evening, we went to Five Guys so Jer could grab a quick burger before he had to go in to work to deal with computer issues. While we sat in the restaurant, Juliette was all smiles and babbling. "Ba-ba, ma-ma, mba-mba" (I, of course, rejoiced at the "ma-ma"), and then she was even imitating me! It was so amazing and it made me cry and laugh all at the same time. Such a simple little outing made for an awesome experience. :) Plus we saw a guy holding the tiniest little baby girl, all curled up on his chest, and we got to talking with him for a bit. His baby was 6 weeks old and weight 8 lbs...she wasn't born early he said, he and his 5-foot wife just make small babies. She was absolutely precious and made Juliette look so BIG! It's funny how once you have a baby, you become part of this huge club. We exchange the knowing glances, the admiring smiles, and have effortless conversations with total strangers. Chatting with random people I don't know has never been my style, but I guess chalk that up to one more way in which Juliette has changed me.

Back to this morning...she was laying on the bed, feet in mouth (mostly her left foot) and trying to talk around her toes. So freakin' cute! We all gabbed back and forth in adult language and in her language, and I just felt the love radiating from all of us and warm me through and through. How on earth did I get so lucky? We tickled her fat little legs, and she laughed as I opened and closed my hand closer and closer to her face. She continued to tease daddy by saying "ma-ma-ma" - I could almost see the mischievous glint in her pretty blue eyes. And by the way, her eyes are SO blue! I am so glad! They look to me like a combination of Jer's and my dad's blue. I really wish my dad could have met her...but that's another post for another day.

Anyway, after my pitiful post from yesterday, it feels good to have the weekend ahead of me, when I can stay home with my perfect little family and just enjoy this excellent life I have.

Love,
Jenne

This terrible noise

I don't know how to make it stop. The fears, the what-ifs, the horrible images, the potential grief. I worry about her constantly. I know all parents worry about their children, it's natural. So am I normal? Is it normal to be so paranoid that you can't sleep, can't sit through a meal, can't go on a date night? It's all I can do to literally force myself out the door for work three days a week. But I do. I go. So I figure that's me being a success, being normal - at least for a few hours three days a week.

What sucks is that I drive so much for my job and that gives me waaaaay too much time to think. To worry and imagine the unfathomable. I imagine the worst phone call, the panic, the pain, the void. Why do I do this to myself?? I know that she is in good hands when I'm gone, it's not that I don't trust others to care for her. I mean, I worry and stress when I'm one room away myself. I just cannot turn off this damn noise in my head! I'm so scared and pissed at myself - I feel like I'm missing out on some of the joy and I hate that. As someone else once put it (she was going through something similar) - it's as if I am grieving for my child as she lies healthy, happy, and alive in my arms.

She is so beautiful and so cute and funny and sweet, and she's changing and growing every minute. I love her more than I could ever express, more than anything. I want to just bask in the amazingness that is her without the ominous ever-present cloud over me.

I guess I hoped having this blog would help me to get some of this poison out of my head, and maybe also allow me to step back and gain some perspective. I really hope it works. I've never been the kind of person who thought "oh that could never happen to me." No, I know that terrible things DO happen to normal, happy people all the time. I guess I'm the other extreme - always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I'd rather be the happy-go-lucky, optimistic one. Or head in the sand, blissfully ignorant, and all that. (Can I think of any more cliches?) That would be awesome.

Ok well, I'm siting on my bed in the dark typing on my iPhone and periodically leaning over to watch my baby's chest rise and fall as she sleeps in her bassinet blissfully unaware of her nutty mom's neuroses. It's time for me to put on my big girl panties and go downstairs. I'm aiming for normalcy. I swear, I'm trying.

I love you sweet baby. xoxo

Grateful...

I'm tired. Really, realllllly tired. That can be about 98% attributed to my lovely Juliette. Tonight has been rough so far and it's not even 11 yet. She's been very cranky - I think teething may be the culprit. I had to come upstairs to bed before I was quite ready. I still needed to clean the kitchen, wash bottles, and just have a few minutes to myself. However, Juliette had different ideas. She would not be consoled until laying in the bed with me. At first I was frustrated and a little annoyed. The headache I'm nursing right now wasn't helping either. But it's times like these that my mind turns to Kellie Staats.

I don't know her, and will in all likelihood never meet her, but she is on my mind A LOT. I follow her blog "Another Day Stronger" at kandjstaats.blogspot.com. She lost her daughter to SIDS when she was just over 4 months old. Kellie shares her grief and healing process on her blog - she is so strong and seems like a beautiful person. I've cried many tears for her, her husband, and her sweet Maddie. I think of her when I feel tired or overwhelmed or frustrated. I think how she would give anything for those sleepless nights, for the chance to soothe her baby again. I think of her and all my exhaustion melts away.

I am here in bed with Juliette laying right next to me, snoring softly. I'm going to put my arms back around her and press my nose to the top of her head and know that I am ever so lucky. I am not tired anymore. I am grateful.

This is going to be for Juliette...

I used to love to write. Mostly poetry, mostly angst-filled. That was years ago - in my late teens and early 20s. Back when I had tunnel vision and no concept of much outside of my own self. I haven't written for pleasure really since then. Adulthood snuck up on me and life got busy as it does when youthful carefree days give way to responsibilities and seemingly endless work weeks. I went to PT school (that was hard), got married (that was easy!), bought our first home (that was a lapse in judgement), changed jobs (that was the best decision), and had a baby - THAT was the best day of my life! And since then has been the best 5 months, one week, and 4 days of my life.

My beautiful, perfect, precious, long-awaited for daughter, Juliette Rain Meadows came on November 10, 2010. She came out pink, robust, and screaming. Jeremy and I agree - the best sound we'd ever heard. I will do a post just on her birth story later. I wish I had begun this blog sooner, but hey, I was a little busy. :)
The title of this blog is from a song by Tori Amos called "Gold Dust". The whole lyric is "The day that she came, I'm freezing that frame.". I guess that's what I want this blog to do - freeze the frames of my life...as a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a sister. I want Juliette to have a chance to read all about how dearly she is loved and cherished, and she doesn't even really know it yet! I mean, I'm sure on some level she knows it. She is fed, kept clean, smiled at and talked to, and constantly cuddled and kissed - but she will know more and more as she grows, and hopefully she will want to read this one day and see how enamoured we've been from day one.

I hope that I will keep up with this blog. There are a couple of blogs that I'm following right now that have inspired me to start my own. I will post more about those inspirational ladies later.
Well, I'm going to stop here. I'm sitting in the back parking lot of a Holiday Inn Express using my breast pump, and I'm about finished. Sorry if TMI. :)
I plan to post more tonight and customize my page a bit too! Will probably be easier on my laptop than the iPhone.

Love,
Jenne