I am the poster child for worrying and for thankfulness

I'm feeling sad tonight, not for any one particular reason, just in general. I think I've just had this dark cloud hovering over me for a while now, and I wish it would just move on. Sure, there are plenty of specific things that could be bothering me at any given moment, but for now I just feel a general blue color. Not the amazing blue that is Juliette's eyes, not the blue that is the gorgeous Florida sky, not the deep mysterious thrilling blue of the ocean, not the clear light soft blue of my father's eyes...in fact, I don't even know why being sad is equated with being blue since blue is such a lovely color. What's a color I don't really like? Orange? Puce green? Taupe? That's it - I feel taupe. That fits so much better.

Tonight I was watching the weirdest movie, very strange, about this 15 year old girl who gets murdered by her crazy ex-babysitter. The babysitter strangled her and then hung around with the girl's dead body for a few days before she buried her. The parents were frantically trying to find their daughter, and the way the actors displayed grief was all too realistic. It was gut- and heart-wrenching to watch and I wish I would have just turned it off. :( It made my taupe cloud hover a little more heavily.

Plus, several of the mamas who write the blogs I follow have been having an extra hard time lately. My heart just breaks over and over again for them. Why, oh why do these horrible things happen? Why do some (most) people get happy endings while others get horror stories? Who chooses who suffers? I guess it's all random, but somehow that feels so disrespectful (not to mention depressing) to think that way. Like, we want to believe that our heartaches, our losses, our suffering, our pain - that it all has some kind of meaning, or purpose. Right? Wouldn't people just go kind of crazy otherwise?

And with all these scary, sad thoughts rattling around in my head (pretty much all the time), how in the hell am I supposed to relax and enjoy my own happiness? How can I help but become more and more fearful when I fall more and more in love with my incredible daughter with every passing moment? I know it's irrational to think (believe!) that if I can just anticipate, or predict, or prepare for every single awful scenario, then it just could NEVER happen to my family. Like it would be impossibly ironic if it did, you know? I know that's stupid. Yet, it's how I live. And maybe I need help, or maybe I'm just like any other mama, or maybe I'm just a little south of normal, it doesn't really matter because it is what it is. I will worry and fret and wonder and be just a little panicky for the rest of my life. My baby is perfect. She's perfectly perfect, and nothing in my life has ever been that perfect- so how can this be?

I will never have an answer for that question. I don't really want an answer either. I just want to soak her up, enjoy every second, every smile, every laugh, every nap in my arms, every clap, raspberry, sneeze, wave, and babble - and never lose a single memory of this wondrous time with my baby girl. I want to love her without fear, without longing for her as if she isn't right here with me! Oh, what is wrong with my mind? I'm just so damn scared all. the. time.

And now after re-reading what I've written, I feel like such a fool. I am lucky. My daughter is sleeping peacefully and healthy in the next room. She is whole. She has a million miles to go, a billion miles of potential, a trillion miles of happiness ahead of her. She is pink and chubby and robust and full of energy and life force. I am so lucky. My arms are full, my hip is heavy with the weight of her, my backseat is alive with giggles and indignant cries, my kitchen is cluttered with bottles, nipples, and baby food jars, my garbage can fills quickly with used diapers, my dryer has onsies and tiny pajamas and miniature ruffled skirts in it, my ears ring with giggles and squeals, my camera is loaded with happy new pictures day after day, my living room is cluttered with toys, strollers, and pacifiers, my life is bustling and full and exhausting and joyful. My daughter is here with me. I can hug and kiss her and snuggle her anytime I want. Why should I be sad? How dare I be sad? I have it all. Just look at this....

My sweet Juli-bean, how much you are changing and growing by the day! You can now wave bye-bye, clap your hands, identify mommy, daddy, the doggies, and the fan! You are eating more and more solid foods. And you're beginning to sprout some hair! You can crawl (well, scoot) backwards only, you can pull to standing and cruise a little bit. You always want to be standing up - I guess you'll skip that old crawling nonsense, huh? I love you, my sweet! More than you can ever know! Here is another picture of you laughing and being just your cute self!

Shy girl behind your toy!

My Gator Girl!

Clapping to Pat-a-cake! Such a big girl!

I love you my little chicken! Here is the song I've been singing to you lately...

"Summertime and the living is easy,
Fish are jumping and the cotton is high.
Your daddy's rich and your ma is good-looking,
So hush, little baby, don't you cry.

One of these mornings you're gonna rise up singing,
Spread your wings and take to the sky.
But until that morning there is nothing can harm you,
With daddy and mommy standing by." ~ Sam Cooke

xoxo,

Mommy

Anniversaries and bumped heads...

Well hello my sweet little chicken. A lot has happened these last few days...

First off let me say that you are growing more and more extraordinarily beautiful and funny every day! You will be 9 months old tomorrow (tomorrow!!) and you are really blooming into your own little person. You still don't crawl (although I'm sure you could if you had a good enough reason), but you LOVE to stand and bounce, stand and bounce. You will reach out for our hands, then pull yourself right up. My strong girl! You also are getting really good at giving us kisses - when I ask for one, you grab my face and then put your (wide open) mouth on my cheek and then you smile like you're sooooo proud. :) My face is left wet with drool, but I love those kisses so much! You're also figuring out that mommy will do a silly dance when you shake your rattle and stop when you stop. That's a fun game that also doubles as a workout for me! You are still eating baby food, and have added some new foods to your repertoire, but still not a fan of textured/solid foods. We are going to see Dr. Grooms tomorrow for your 9 month visit and shots (yuck), and will ask her how to go about getting you to like different textures. Oh, and no teeth yet! I just love your little gummy smile.

This is an outfit knitted for you by the mother of one of my patients. Too cute!

Ok, so Sunday was mine and daddy's 7 year anniversary! It was my year to plan it, and since we are light on cash and didn't want to leave you overnight, I planned a day of going to all the places that were/are special to us. I'm going to make a little mini-scrapbook of the day (that's my plan anyway) which will explain the significance of all the places we went. Our stops included, but aren't limited to: Newberry Elementary and High Schools, Santa Fe College, Baughman Center, Paramount Hotel, and the duck pond (well we didn't actually make it to the duck pond, but we will soon!). It was a fun day; a nice trip down memory lane.

Here we are hanging out at our high school....where it all began. :)

The chapel where we got married.

While we were out for the day, you stayed with Mimi, (and we missed you allllll day!) which brings me to the bumped heads portion of this blog.....

Well, you were sleeping in your pack and play at Mimi's house and Auntie Beth was there too. I guess you woke up, so they rocked you back to sleep and instead of putting you back in the pack and play, Mimi put you on her bed. She knew that you were getting more and more mobile, but she thought you were good and asleep, so she wasn't worried. Well, that was an oops. You woke up and were stirring around, but they didn't hear you, and somehow you inched your way off the bed and landed (thump!) on the floor by Mimi's bed. She rushed in immediately and you were already crying (which, believe it or not, is a good sign). She and Auntie calmed you down and gave you extra extra kisses, and soon enough you were smiling and back to playing like your old self. They checked you over, and you had no bruises or red marks, no cuts or bumps, and you looked just fine.

That night and all the next day, you were in great spirits - playing and bouncing and "talking" and laughing. You came to my doctor's appointment with me and were so good! Everyone loved you, and ooh'd and ah'd over you and your gorgeous blue eyes and sweet shy smile. :)

Sitting in the chair at Dr. Sarantos' office!

Later that day you were sitting on the floor in front of me when I noticed your head didn't look quite right...kind of misshapen. Then I felt the large, squishy lump on the left side of your head! I freaked out because I knew that squishy was not good. First I called Mimi, and she said to call the pediatrician, so I did. They were a bit concerned, so we went ahead and took you in to be checked. The nurse practitioner felt your squishy bump (which you hated!) and said it was likely a hematoma (a collection of blood), but that she wanted you to have an x-ray just to be on the safe side.

Yikes! So now we were all sufficiently freaking out! Your poor Mimi, though...she was (is) so upset and feels so guilty. She was crying and saying she was so sorry, but I told her not to be so hard on herself, that accidents happen and that you would be fine. The doctor and the nurse both reassured us that as long as you were acting normal, and showing no signs of brain trauma, then things would be a-ok. We still went in for the x-ray today though, and that was rough experience. They had to put your poor little self on this hard table and mommy had to hold your arms down (!) while they took 4 or 5 pictures of your head. Once they were done, I scooped you up and daddy and I laid about 1,000 kisses on you, and you quickly cheered right up.

Dr. Grooms called us about an hour later to tell us that your x-ray was "interesting". She said the swelling is right over what could be either a suture line or a small fracture. They really can't tell at this point, and she said to just let you go on with your normal activities but to be super careful. We have to get another x-ray in 2 weeks to see if there is any change. She said if it's just a suture line, then it will look the same. If it is a fracture, we will see signs of new bone growth. So, my little girl, you may have already had your first (and only, I hope!) broken bone. :( I'm so sorry you have to go through all this (and Mimi is the sorriest of all - she loves you so!) but I take solace in the fact that you won't remember one bit of it!

Here you are hanging out with daddy today.

According to the clock on the computer, you are now officially 9 months old!!!! What a milestone! I am already starting to plan your first birthday party in my mind - it's gonna be epic! :)

Happy 9 month birthday, honey! I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!

Love,

Mommy

Here are a few pictures of you playing with that "other" super cute baby!